It was bad. It definitely could have been worse. But… it was still bad.

A month ago I had a miscarriage and gave birth to a 16 week old baby boy: induction of labor, delivery, hospital stay, raging postpartum hormones… all the typical physical ‘joys’ of childbirth, except a baby to bring home. Sorry for the drama, but it still feels fairly dramatic.

I was 16 weeks pregnant and our pregnancy was going well. We had a great ultrasound at 8 weeks, which looked completely normal, and we heard a healthy heartbeat at our 12 week appointment. By week 14 we were feeling great. I was over the first trimester funk, my belly was growing, and we busted out the maternity clothes. We were scheduled for our routine 16 appointment with our OB. With no abnormal symptoms, we were shocked when the doctor could not find a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech happened to be in the office, so we were able to walk down the hall for an immediate ultrasound with our doctor. It was there the doctor told us she did not have good news. The baby no longer had a heartbeat and measured about a week smaller than anticipated. The doctor talked with us about our options and let us know that because I was 16 ½ weeks pregnant, they would need to induce labor, and I would need to deliver the baby.

We stopped by our house to pack a quick bag, swung by to see little Sammie G, and then headed to Mercy where we checked in for labor and delivery. Around 3:00p.m. on a Monday afternoon they began the process of inducing labor, and I delivered a baby boy around 6:40 Tuesday morning. We were able to see the baby and have him in the room for the majority of the day. He was tiny, but really did look like a little baby with tiny fingers, toes, eyes, and a nose. After I delivered the baby, we had a few normal complications which kept us in the hospital until Wednesday afternoon. I will spare you the details!

We did have as much time as we needed with our little baby (considering the circumstances), and it was truly amazing to see how human a little 16 week old baby can be. The Mercy Heartprints team provided us with a bag of mementos to take home complete with photos and little footprints of our baby. Our baby will be buried next week, with other pre-mature losses.

This entire experience has been surreal, and I still don’t really understand what is in store as we continue to move forward. We are heartbroken and disappointed, but continue to be amazed by the outpouring of love and support from our amazing family, friends and co-workers. I am overwhelmed by how our loved ones seemed to instantly mobilize and surround us with genuine warmth and kindness… and both emotional and practical support. I will never be able to adequately thank everyone, but we will carry this experience with us and pay it forward.

As we continue to mourn the loss of our baby and the loss of all the expectations, excitement and emotion of our pregnancy, we will remember how much we are loved. We will also continue to cherish our time with little Samantha… temper tantrums and all (okay, the temper tantrums may be a slight overstatement).

While our experience was awful, I know that it could have been worse.  My heart truly aches for those who have experienced miscarriage, early loss, loss, complications or really anything sad… The emotions are pretty much out of control…damn hormones!

Confession of a *wannabe* blogger… I realize that this may seem like a serious over-share for social media (trust me, I am judgy too), but it is important for me to share my story. It seems so taboo to talk about experiences like this publicly, which is a bummer, because at least for me, it is the talking, sharing and support that helps the most. An old friend from high school shared her story through a blog and even though I hadn’t spoken to her in years, I found it strangely comforting as we moved through this process. You just never know what the day will bring, where you will find comfort, and how you will heal.

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